I found this on bashandslash.com and it made me LOL.

Written by jockyitch   
Friday, 08 January 2010

Douche (n):

"a word to describe an individual who has shown themself to
be brainless in one way or another, thus comparing them
to the cleansing product for vaginas."

- Urban Dictionary

 

Why become an MW2 Douche?

I want to make something perfectly clear. Contrary to the repeated claims by recent MW2 opponents of mine, much of these prefaced by capitalized profanity, I am not a noob.

Lately, I'm being called that just after I've launched a lethal pineapple off someone's skull or after I've finished knifing the opposing team in their spawn. Sigh. It's so unfair...and untrue.

So, to my detractors, I would like to offer a correction...I prefer to think of myself as a douche.

I can't help it. MW2 just seems to bring out my inner douche. Being a douche in MW2 goes like salt on Doritos, butter on popcorn or Madonna on New York Yankee third-basemen.

MW2 is irritating. You get fragged by so many people using weapons that require so little talent to use that many, like myself, are giving up any attempt at skillful play and instead picking up shotties, rpgs, nade launchers, adding tactical knife upgrades, martyrdom and last stand perks - anything and everything that will make our victims grind their teeth in sheer frustration.

After all...we're suffering through all this pain, why shouldn't we shovel some of it back?
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"I just got gayed from all directions"  - George Michael
Noob's rule - but douches dominate

After relentless practice with CoD4 and CoD:WW, I finally felt that going into Modern Warfare 2, my noob days were well and truly over and I could finally mete out some pwnage of my own.

I should not have been surprised then, that many of the skills I had managed to acquire playing the three previous CoDs were not going to be rewarded by Infinity Ward in MW2.

        * Aiming and thinking are out.
        * Tubing and turbo-knifing are in.

Noobs can do very well in MW2. Very well indeed. But being a noob is not satisfying enough - and satisfaction is what we demand.

The game, as many of you know, is a straight, unashamed console port. It's designed for the casual gamer and IW has re-prioritized the interests of their hardcore followers by, unarguably, dumbing down the game.

Here's a quick list of Do's and Don't for MW2 for those of you used to previous CoD's:

    Don't try and line up the perfect headshot with the AK47.
    Do wheel around and blast people at point-blank-range with your grenade launcher!

    Don't attempt to stealthily out-flank your opponent
    Do run up behind him at supersonic speeds, instaknife him from ten feet away using Tactical Knife and take his wallet.

    Don't run'n'gun.
    Do camp and run up kill streaks. Get aimbotting NPC's (non-player controlled vehicles) overhead to rape the enemy spawn...oh and have them do traffic reports for the local AM station while they're up there.

In short...douche it up!

"The noob-tube is more heinous than Stalin and Hitler combined" - FM | Nerd Holocaust

Two Douche Classes

Here are two simple "Douche" Class kits that can speed you along your way at becoming one of the most irritating players in MW2.
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A. Douche "Grenadier" Class

The inspiration for the Douche "Grenadier" class comes from Jan-Phillip "Wolves".

Wolves e-mailed me to say that since, "There are no server rules and the ping is bad in MW2....", he decided to create a "heavy" douche-class kit to exact his retribution.

I've based my Grenadier set up on much of his loadout, with some changes.

    Primary: M4A1 + Grenade launcher
    Wolves adds that you can use the M16 here as well. However, I think that the M16 is more of a 1337 weapon due to its limited 3-round burst. I just don't see the M16 (which I normally love) as a truly douchey weapon.

    Claymore - to secure your back, you can set 2 of them with OMA. They disappear once you've been fragged.

    Special Nade: Stun nade
    Spamming stun, or flash-nades for that matter, is highly important given how irritating they can be.

    Perks:

    1. One-Man-ArmyPro (OMA)
    OMA is key in this set up. By "re-selecting" your class using OMA, you quickly recharge your consumables. This way you can get an unlimited number of 40 mm grenades, Claymores, stun nades, frags...and gun rounds.

    OMA forces you to stop, at least once, before re-upping your ammo, so be careful as this makes you vulnerable. Once you get OMAPro, this danger reduces as you can "recharge" in seconds.
    2. Danger ClosePro
    For bigger explosions! This makes the Claymores and the the 40mm nades more deadly. Danger ClosePro makes any air threat you throw at the enemy even more deadly.

    From the _perks.gsc file

    "    if ( isKillstreakWeapon( weapon ) && isPlayer( attacker ) && attacker _hasPerk("specialty_dangerclose") )
                damageAdd += damage*level.dangerCloseMod;"

    ...it appears that any killstreak damage is improved by DangerClosePro.

    3. CommandoPro

    Normally, a pro douche would use Last Stand; however, I personally prefer the ability to melee from ten feet away.


    Kill streak bonus:

        Harrier 7
        Chopper Gunner 11
        Tactical Nuke 25

    The air killstreaks are enhanced by Danger ClosePro, so it's vital to select air-support as the first two streak bonuses.


"Bring your marty to the party" - Anonymous

    Death streak bonus: Martyrdom

    Like there was another option. Lol.

Wolves explains the tactics to be employed with this class:

    "Only use grenade launchers over long distances. If you are empty search for cover and use OMA to get your 40mm grenades back. Set random claymores all over the map (OMA recharges them too). With infinite clays and 40mm nades, you are practically only beatable by extremely good snipers (which are crippled by their ping in MW2) - that's assuming you're good at the GL.

    It's also very easy to get the Nuke with it because you can camp (with infinite clays) and shoot random grenades over the whole map." - Wolves

Personally, I rush with this class...setting Claymores behind me as I go. Know where campers tend to hang out and use Danger Close to blast them out of their underwear. You need to be careful going around corners though. Stay wide. The 40mm nades have a proximity fuse and they will not blow if the enemy is nearby.

Most players stand off the main fight with this kit, preferring to reach out and violently touch the enemy. Set yourself up on long alleys, or up high and rain down death. Avoid the upclose stuff, you should be getting your kills from as far away as possible.

 

B. The "Tactical" Douche Class

This class is built around the Tactical knife upgrade that can be had on various sidearm weapons. This upgrade allows you to knife someone in a blink of an eye. When added in combination with Commando (not to be confused with the perk the Al-Qaeda underwear bomber was using this past Christmas), Lightweight (faster running) and Marathon Pro (infinite sprint), you become a lean, mean, knifing douche.

    Primary: UMP45
    You need an SMG to get you safely into the dark rooms and alleyways that you will be using to slice and dice your victims. The UMP will give you the "oomf" to traverse long reaches where even Commando or your handgun will not do.

    Secondary: USP.45 or Magnum
    Any handgun with Tactical Knife upgrades will work. Most folks will choose the Magnum here...it's a knockout punch. I chose the USP because I found it can be annoying as heck to the guy getting shot by it (think of death by a thousand cuts).

    Equipment: Frag
    Not too douchey on its own, the frag becomes hilarious when you start throwing it after a few stun nades.
    Special Nade: Stun nade
    Spamming stun, or flash-nades for that matter, is highly important given how irritating and effective they can be.


    Perks:

    1. Marathon Pro
    Sprint until you die.

    2. Lightweight
    Haven't seen running this fast since I used to play eXtreme+ in CoD2.
    3. CommandoPro
    The tactical knife seems to reduce the reach of your knife, even though you are using CommandoPro. However, the combination of all the perks above, still makes this set up really effective.

    Kill streak bonus:

        Harrier 7
        Chopper Gunner 11
        Tactical Nuke 25

    ...just as in Grenadier.

I find this class gets me more kills than the "heavy" kit; however, I get less multi-kills. Use your Primary weapon to fight your way into the alleys and dark rooms that typically populate the center of most MW2 maps. Once there, switch into slasher mode by going to your secondary weapon, the Tactical knife and the handgun. Now run around and around buildings at breakneck speeds while you knife. A few more things complete the tactics: ululate and shout obscenities into your mic. Just watch the reaction...priceless stuff.

 Grenadier Douche     Tactical Douche
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    dclass_tac.jpg

 

*I deleted the part where they tell you how to get the hosting and lag everyone out...*

 

"The only thing that keeps me playing this game is the Tactical knife" - FM | Taco 

Douche Psychology 101

I never fired a single 40mm nade for the first two months I had MW2. I don't remember ever using a tube back in CoD4 and I wouldn't even use the shotty back in CoD2. Why? I didn't want to advertise myself as a noob.

So why would I and many other respectable players, now want to upgrade myself to douche?

I think that the answer lies in Taco's statement quoted above.

MW2 lays a thick dollop of noob-friendly perkage between you and skillful play. The game rewards you for rejecting standard levels of fair-play for the evil "douche-side".

My kill/death ratio began to skyrocket as soon as I gained my Tactical Knife and started using the Grenade Launcher. I can see the attraction to these multi-kill classes. You feel omnipotent...like being injected with an Ecstasy/Viagra and Anadrol highball (for goodness sake, don't try it).

But kill/death streaks are not what "douche-success" is all about.

It's about psychologically torturing your enemy. IW apparently has realized that players find that much more satisfying than a ninja defuse or making an accurate headshot in a free-fall.

If fragging people in the most irritating way possible is now the goal, then  this is yet another reason why MW2 cannot be considered as a "serious" fragger.


Douche for one...All for douche

There are thousands of ways to combine douche weaponry into douche classes in MW2. After all, there is so much to choose from: RPG's and Thumpers, Akimbo smg's, 1887 Shotties...the list is endless. I'm sure you will find your own perfectly good douche combination if you are interested.

And if do decide to douche things up...other players may become so frustrated at being constantly douche-fragged that they may even give up this game.

...and maybe that's a good thing. Or am I just being a douche?

Give us your thoughts

WOW, pretty in depth for guy that refused to buy the game. Hope your having fun traitor.